Ask Better, Receive Better: Why Your Feedback Isn’t Working (and the edge you need to fix it)

Let’s start with the uncomfortable truth: feedback is one of the most overused words in corporate life… and one of the least effective behaviors in corporate life.

We tell managers, “Give more feedback.” We tell employees, “Be open to feedback.” Then we act surprised when nothing changes.

But here’s the punchline from our recent LinkedIn Live: feedback doesn’t just fail sometimes. In a meaningful chunk of cases, it actively makes performance worse. One major meta-analysis shows that after feedback, performance drops in about one-third of cases, stays the same in another slice, and improves only about half the time.

So if you’re a manager thinking, “Why would I bother?”, you’re not lazy. You’re rational.

And that’s where the real problem begins.

The conspiracy of silence (and why it’s killing performance)

We named it what it is: a conspiracy of silence.

Leaders hesitate because feedback feels risky, time-consuming, and relationship-threatening. Employees hesitate because, honestly, they often don’t want to hear it either. The result is mutual avoidance dressed up as “being busy.”

And when feedback does happen, employees tend to fall into the three D’s: defensive, dismissive, or devastated.

Defensive when it feels unfair or ungrounded. Dismissive when the source isn’t credible or it sounds like recycled nonsense. Devastated when it lands like a verdict on your value, not a signal for your growth.

So if your organization is “doing feedback” and people are getting worse, colder, quieter… it’s not a mystery. It’s the system working exactly as designed.

Stop begging for feedback. Start pulling for it.

Here’s the pivot we made in the conversation: stop obsessing over “giving feedback” and focus on asking for it.

Because asking changes the emotional physics of the moment. If you initiate the request, you reduce defensiveness (“I asked”), reduce dismissiveness (“I care”), and reduce devastation (“I’m ready to grow”).

But — and this is where most people crash — they ask for feedback in the worst possible way.

They say: “Can you give me some feedback?” or “How am I doing?”

And what happens next is painfully predictable: vague praise, empty calories, and zero growth.

We even said the quiet part out loud: if people only give you positive feedback, it may not mean you’re amazing; it may mean they’re not willing to take the interpersonal risk with you.

So yes, we’re banning that phrase. “Can you give me some feedback?” is too big, too vague, too costly.

The question is the lever

If you want better feedback, you don’t need more courage. You need better questions.

The edge is this: make it ridiculously easy for the other person to be useful.

Ask for one thing. Not ten. Ask about a specific context. Not your entire personality. Ask in a way that signals development. Not judgment.

Instead of “How am I doing?” try something like: “What’s one thing I could do differently next time that would make me more effective?”

Here’s the twist we loved: people don’t like giving feedback, but they love giving advice. So don’t ask for feedback — ask for advice.

And if you want to level it up, make it future-focused. When you ask “What could I try next time?” you remove the threat of a deep critique and turn it into an experiment.

One more move that works absurdly well: ask for a rating. “On a scale of 1–10, how did I do?” Then follow with the killer question: “What would I need to do to become a 9?”

That second question is where the gold is. Because you’ve just made improvement concrete.

What if the person doesn’t really know you?

Let’s talk about the “power feedback” situation: when the person you want input from is senior, influential, and… not actually close enough to observe your work.

Don’t force someone to guess. If they haven’t seen enough, your request creates pressure and awkwardness.

So you “give them some help.” Ask for guidance that fits what they can know, like what success looks like at the next level, or what people at your stage should focus on.

And when the moment is fleeting — an elevator, a hallway, a quick post-presentation encounter — keep it light, short, and respectful. Five seconds to ask. Twenty seconds to answer. Then offer a small follow-up slot, with an easy way out.

Also: don’t drop a one-hour meeting on a senior leader’s calendar like you own their life.

The part nobody teaches: what to do after you get the feedback

This is where reputations are made or destroyed.

If someone gives you guidance and you argue with it, you’ve just taught them never to help you again. We told the story of the junior employee who got a clear suggestion (“get sales experience”) and responded with “No, I disagree.” That’s not confidence. That’s career self-harm.

So here’s your script: say thank you… and shut up.

Then, if you want to look like an adult (and not a fragile ego in a blazer), play back what you heard to confirm you understood it.

And then do the one move that turns feedback into trust: follow through.

Because research (and every experienced leader’s scar tissue) says if you ask for advice, get it, and then don’t act on it or circle back, the relationship deteriorates.

You don’t need another meeting. You don’t need a five-page update. A simple message later — “Thanks again, here’s what I did with it” — is powerful.

Don’t be the person who only shows up when they want something.

Your challenge (yes, you)

Think of one person whose input would make you better this quarter. Not ten people. One.

Now answer this: what is the exact moment or work product you want feedback on?

And then ask a question that makes it easy to help you. One thing. Specific context. Developmental framing. Future-focused.

Then, when you get it, do the mature thing: thank you, shut up, reflect it back, act on it, and close the loop.

If you do this consistently, you won’t just “get better feedback.” You’ll become the kind of person people invest in. Because you’re safe to be honest with, and you actually do something with the truth.

So we're curious: where does feedback break down most for you: asking for it, receiving it, or doing something with it afterwards?

Disclaimer: the opinions are our own and not those of affiliated organizations.